Thursday, December 27, 2007

What is happiness to you?

I don't feel like I'm in control of my life. I feel like everything is moving fast and I'm moving slow. I can't seem to catch up. I can't get a grip on anything, I cant hang on. There is no one reaching out a hand to hold, to pull me up and help me hang on. It's a strong current rushing past me, knee deep. Ice cold and frothy white. Every step is unsteady, fumbling for a foothold on slippery rocks. I keep trudging forward, the water creeping up, deeper every step. So cold I cant feel my feet anymore. But I keep trudging slowly forward. I feel like a numb popscicle.
I study people who are so together, so on top of everything. People who have no regrets. She said everything in her life is exactly as she intended it to be, and all i could wonder is, How? How do you get your life like that? How do you create that? Because despite all the books I have read and people I have listened to, its a complete fucking mystery to me. I want my life to be my own, I want it to be happier. I want to feel good about myself, and what I do. How. How do I get there? I don't know what to do, but I'll keep looking. And I'll keep moving forward. So, let's get bundled up.
What do I want? I want a job where less of what I do is constrained by what others want. I don't want to continue to try and use my creativity to create something that is such a fundamental part of who they are. I don't like having so much pressure on me because what I do impacts so greatly on their person.
I don't want my creativity limited so much. It's too hard on my mind and it disturbs me so much when i fail. I can't take the pressure anymore. It's breaking me. I need to create or find a job where I am not doing this anymore. I want to channel my creative energy into all the different ideas and outlets I have. I don't want to do this anymore and I'm too afraid to quit without having another job to pay my bills with. I need to find the path soon. Tomorrow. Today.