Forward into the new year

One clear and solid goal for the new year is to PICK UP MY CAMERA . Go out and Shoot girl! There is no time like, say, NOW, to go and make your life!
K? Are you listening? Stop all the crap and GO GO GO!!

What is happiness to you?

I don't feel like I'm in control of my life. I feel like everything is moving fast and I'm moving slow. I can't seem to catch up. I can't get a grip on anything, I cant hang on. There is no one reaching out a hand to hold, to pull me up and help me hang on. It's a strong current rushing past me, knee deep. Ice cold and frothy white. Every step is unsteady, fumbling for a foothold on slippery rocks. I keep trudging forward, the water creeping up, deeper every step. So cold I cant feel my feet anymore. But I keep trudging slowly forward. I feel like a numb popscicle.
I study people who are so together, so on top of everything. People who have no regrets. She said everything in her life is exactly as she intended it to be, and all i could wonder is, How? How do you get your life like that? How do you create that? Because despite all the books I have read and people I have listened to, its a complete fucking mystery to me. I want my life to be my own, I want it to be happier. I want to feel good about myself, and what I do. How. How do I get there? I don't know what to do, but I'll keep looking. And I'll keep moving forward. So, let's get bundled up.
What do I want? I want a job where less of what I do is constrained by what others want. I don't want to continue to try and use my creativity to create something that is such a fundamental part of who they are. I don't like having so much pressure on me because what I do impacts so greatly on their person.
I don't want my creativity limited so much. It's too hard on my mind and it disturbs me so much when i fail. I can't take the pressure anymore. It's breaking me. I need to create or find a job where I am not doing this anymore. I want to channel my creative energy into all the different ideas and outlets I have. I don't want to do this anymore and I'm too afraid to quit without having another job to pay my bills with. I need to find the path soon. Tomorrow. Today.

vent time

I really hope its going to be a nice day tomorrow. I'm using one of my sick days to play hooky. But I don't think you can really call it hooky considering I've put in so much extra time over the last couple of months. I call it burn-out comp time. It's a preventative measure. Guarantees one more day I wont lose my mind and quit because people are crazy. If the general public had any idea how nutso most people are when they got a haircut, they would tip a hell of a lot better.
Theres a bit of a buzz floating around the main office, some hot gossip has everyone curious. Spike noticed that a gossiping group went silent when he came in the room, so, of course he thought it was about him. But, as he stopped in briefly today, he did the worst thing you can do to us curious busybodies... he told us he knew what it was and then split without saying a word! ugh. the agony. Now its my turn to be on the paranoid train. I hate that!!